Comin' 'Round the Mountain.....again

     I’ve been tossing this thought around for a couple of days, not sure if posting it would be the right thing to do. I feel like I’m repeating myself, just going around and around the same mountain, learning the same lesson over and over. I decided to go ahead and put it out there. Maybe some of y’all can give me some pointers on how to get out of this pattern. Or maybe I can let one of you, who may be doing the same thing, that you’re not alone. So here we go:
     I have always enjoyed revival. A time to get the spiritual juices boiling. Seeing the Spirit touch so many people in so many different ways, personal to each one, it just stirs something inside me I can’t explain. By the end of the week, I always feel revived and ready to go to work for my Lord. But this year, I didn’t want to spend the week getting revived. I wanted to be revived before the week started. I wanted to enjoy the services on a deeper level. I didn’t just want to watch other people losing themselves in the Spirit, I wanted to get lost in it myself.
     I prayed. I prayed a lot. I asked the Lord to allow me to feel his touch like I never have before. I would love to shout like Sis. So-n-so. I wish I had the ability to testify like Bro. What’s-his-name. I prayed for God to give me strength to do whatever He laid on my heart. I prayed for Him to give me a mind set on defeating the devil with my spiritualness.
     Well, we are halfway through this summer revival, and nothing yet. As I lay in bed pondering the situation, I wondered what was wrong. My first thoughts were, “It’s not fair, the men have prayer room for 30 minutes before church starts and they get started before the rest of us.” “The preachers didn’t give us a chance to testify.” “You’ll look silly.” “Everybody will think you’re just trying to get attention if you do something out of the ordinary.” Now, I’m pretty sure I’ve been doing this long enough to know that that’s just the devil talking to me. No sooner had the thoughts entered my mind than I pushed them right out again. They were simply not true and it was obvious who was putting them in my head.
     After several attempts, the evil one hit me with the one thought that I always fall victim to. “You don’t have anything special to say so God doesn’t want you to do anything.” Yep. That one gets me every time. I know I can always say the simple “I love the Lord.” But I want something more than that. And again I find myself waiting on some blinding light to shine down on me out of heaven as confirmation that when I stand the words will flow out of my mouth like honey. (It would make for a special moment in a movie scene, but not likely to happen just like that here in real life.)
     So I was convinced. God just doesn’t have anything for me to do right now. I have nothing special to say. No earth-shattering revelations or profound statements to express my beliefs and love for God. Then I felt it. It was like a slap in the face. I had hurt Him. I could actually see the hurt in His eyes as He whispered, “Really? I died for you. That’s not earth-shattering?!” I have felt that hurt. The ache in your heart when you realize all you’ve done isn’t appreciated. No matter how jokingly it’s presented, the words and actions bring a stabbing pain to my gut. On my good days I can smile through it and continue on. Other days it brings me to tears.
     That’s how I had made my Jesus feel. Unappreciated. Like what He did for me in some way wasn’t enough. What was I thinking?!  HE SAVED MY SOUL! I am no longer bound for hell! If He never does anything for me ever again, that in itself is enough! I should proclaim it daily, several times, loudly. Even that wouldn’t be enough to thank Him for loving me so much. He knew what He was getting when He saved me. He knew I would let Him down; that I wouldn’t do exactly as He wanted; that I would need Him more and more every day. He knows how many times I will have to go around this mountain before I find my way out of this pattern.  But he did it any way.
     HE loves ME. I’m saved. What more is there to say?

The Present

This week's Five Minute Friday topic is "Present." For more info and some great stories, click here. Reminisces and hopes for the future.  That seems to be my life lately.  Thinking back about summers past, times when the kids were little, the booboos, the funny stories, the "remember whens."  Looking forward and preparing for road trips, planning activities to do while we're out of town, dreading the drive home and the clean up that will be required when we get back.  Next week we're giving my niece a baby shower.  School starts back in only 6 weeks.  My daughter brought her boyfriend "home to meet the family."  Where has the time gone and what does the future hold? I have spent the morning reflecting on what I have and haven't accomplished this week.  I've read blogs on how to be better organized and accomplish more goals for next week.  But today, right now, I have only 5 minutes to tell you about my present.  I don't feel like "doing" my hair today, and that will just have to be ok because I'm out of hairspray.  There are piles of laundry that need to be washed, but I'm out of laundry detergent too.  The dishes were done earlier, but now the kitchen needs cleaned again.  I probablay need to deposit some money in the bank before I mail the check for the mortgage payment.  I am uncomfortable in my clothes - that in between stage when some are too big and others too tight.  I need to brush my teeth.  I need to replace the toilet paper roll. I need to put the clean clothes away. My house smells like lighter fluid and I'm sure I don't want to know why.   I am alone in this room.  I pray for my daughter, she said she's having a frustrating day.  I pray for my oldest son, he's at work, outside, in the heat, probably on a roof.  I pray for my husband and my youngest son because I just saw them walk past the window shielding the flame of a lighter and heading toward the brush pile and, well did I mention the smell of lighter fluid.  Oh, um, excuse me won't you?!

The Cure For My Insomnia

Insomnia is not something I have ever been personally associated with.  On the few occasions I have had trouble sleeping, it was usually because I had too many things on my mind.  Once I sat down and made my to-do lists and don't-forget to get lists, I was fine.  I have always joked that I could sleep upside down in a corner.  Even my sister-in-law can testify to you that I can fall asleep mid-sentence.  True story.  I can sleep anywhere.   So as I lay awake this morning, waaayyy too early for the too-many-eth time, I couldn't help but feel uneasy.  I went over and over in my mind the things I had to think about.  We were leaving for the beach in a few hours.  I had packed everything (well, everything that was able to be packed already).  I had made my lists days ago and checked them off.  I got up and paid a couple of bills online, balanced my checkbook, thinking that might help.  But sleep still avoided me.   As I made my way back to bed, I figured I'd just will myself to sleep.  Just lay still, slow deep breaths, relax, relax, relax.  Nope, too quiet.  Then I remembered what I had told my children when they were little and were scared or couldn't sleep - Talk to Jesus. Sure, why not? I talk to Jesus all the time right?  "Pray without ceasing," that's what the Bible says.  Several times a day I would take a second to mention someone who crossed my mind up to the Lord, for him to touch them in whatever way they needed.  This should be easy. "Okay Lord, I'm having a little trouble getting in these last few hours of sleep.  Can you help?"  Quiet.  "Hello?  It's been five minutes and I'm not asleep yet.  Did you hear me Lord?"  Quiet.  uh-oh.  And it hit me.  I hadn't stopped and taken the time to truly pray one-on-one with my Jesus in quite a while.  "Ahem, um, Lord, I'm here.  I need you.  Can you please come help me?  I don't know what's wrong.  Can you show me?"  It was almost as if He said, "Well, hello my child. You should call your Father more often."  Two hours later, I had actually overslept thirty minutes. And it continues.  This conversation between me and the Lord this morning.  It moved me so that I had to take a time out from gettng ready to tell you about it.  No worries.  If we leave a little later, the beach will be there waiting.  God's got this all under control.