I’ve been tossing this thought around for a couple of days, not sure if posting it would be the right thing to do. I feel like I’m repeating myself, just going around and around the same mountain, learning the same lesson over and over. I decided to go ahead and put it out there. Maybe some of y’all can give me some pointers on how to get out of this pattern. Or maybe I can let one of you, who may be doing the same thing, that you’re not alone. So here we go:
I have always enjoyed revival. A time to get the spiritual juices boiling. Seeing the Spirit touch so many people in so many different ways, personal to each one, it just stirs something inside me I can’t explain. By the end of the week, I always feel revived and ready to go to work for my Lord. But this year, I didn’t want to spend the week getting revived. I wanted to be revived before the week started. I wanted to enjoy the services on a deeper level. I didn’t just want to watch other people losing themselves in the Spirit, I wanted to get lost in it myself.
I prayed. I prayed a lot. I asked the Lord to allow me to feel his touch like I never have before. I would love to shout like Sis. So-n-so. I wish I had the ability to testify like Bro. What’s-his-name. I prayed for God to give me strength to do whatever He laid on my heart. I prayed for Him to give me a mind set on defeating the devil with my spiritualness.
Well, we are halfway through this summer revival, and nothing yet. As I lay in bed pondering the situation, I wondered what was wrong. My first thoughts were, “It’s not fair, the men have prayer room for 30 minutes before church starts and they get started before the rest of us.” “The preachers didn’t give us a chance to testify.” “You’ll look silly.” “Everybody will think you’re just trying to get attention if you do something out of the ordinary.” Now, I’m pretty sure I’ve been doing this long enough to know that that’s just the devil talking to me. No sooner had the thoughts entered my mind than I pushed them right out again. They were simply not true and it was obvious who was putting them in my head.
After several attempts, the evil one hit me with the one thought that I always fall victim to. “You don’t have anything special to say so God doesn’t want you to do anything.” Yep. That one gets me every time. I know I can always say the simple “I love the Lord.” But I want something more than that. And again I find myself waiting on some blinding light to shine down on me out of heaven as confirmation that when I stand the words will flow out of my mouth like honey. (It would make for a special moment in a movie scene, but not likely to happen just like that here in real life.)
So I was convinced. God just doesn’t have anything for me to do right now. I have nothing special to say. No earth-shattering revelations or profound statements to express my beliefs and love for God. Then I felt it. It was like a slap in the face. I had hurt Him. I could actually see the hurt in His eyes as He whispered, “Really? I died for you. That’s not earth-shattering?!” I have felt that hurt. The ache in your heart when you realize all you’ve done isn’t appreciated. No matter how jokingly it’s presented, the words and actions bring a stabbing pain to my gut. On my good days I can smile through it and continue on. Other days it brings me to tears.
That’s how I had made my Jesus feel. Unappreciated. Like what He did for me in some way wasn’t enough. What was I thinking?! HE SAVED MY SOUL! I am no longer bound for hell! If He never does anything for me ever again, that in itself is enough! I should proclaim it daily, several times, loudly. Even that wouldn’t be enough to thank Him for loving me so much. He knew what He was getting when He saved me. He knew I would let Him down; that I wouldn’t do exactly as He wanted; that I would need Him more and more every day. He knows how many times I will have to go around this mountain before I find my way out of this pattern. But he did it any way.
HE loves ME. I’m saved. What more is there to say?
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